


If I Fall, Will You catch Me?

by Pastel_Deku



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Cigarettes, Clubbing, Depression, Hurt Yuri Plisetsky, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Moving In Together, Otabek Altin is 21, Otabek Altin is a Good Boyfriend, Past Underage Sex, Protective Katsuki Yuuri, Protective Otabek Altin, Protective Victor Nikiforov, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Smoking, Teen Angst, Yuri Plisetsky Needs a Hug, Yuri Plisetsky has an interesting past, Yuri Plisetsky is 18, Yuri Plisetsky needs help, sorta - Freeform, teenagers being dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Deku/pseuds/Pastel_Deku
Summary: Yuri Plisetsky has been strong for himself and others almost all his life. What happens when one day the pressure and stress just becomes too much for him to handle?
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 21
Kudos: 152





	1. Chapter 1

It was strange.

To think someone like him would have ended up this way, he would never have guessed. But...life is funny like that - filled with twists and turns.

Yuri Plisetsky was currently lounging across his bed, on another late night Skype call with his boyfriend.

“Yakov seriously won’t give me a break...neither will Lilia.” He sighs softly and slumps further into his pillow, “I swear they are trying to kill me sometimes.”

Otabek smiles a little in response as Yuri gazed at his pixilated face, “they’re just trying to help...”

The blonde huffs and rolls his eyes a little, “I know that, it’s just annoying sometimes...”

The black-haired male hums softly as he went quiet and simply gazed at his boyfriend.

Yuri does the same, though speaks up again after a few minutes while averting his eyes. “You should come here soon...” The ‘ _I miss you’_ is left unsaid, but the two know that it’s there.

Otabek sighs, leaning back against his headboard. “I would, but you know I can’t. Practice, and on top of that I’m sure Yakov wouldn’t be to pleased...”

“Tch...”

The tension in the room rises, which the older skater tries his best to diffuse. “You know I much rather be spending time with you...”

Yuri frowns with a halfhearted nod. “Sure...”

_“Yura.”_

He finally glances back up to meet dark brown eyes, his frown softening a little. “I know, Beka...” He brushes a few strands of hair away from his face, “It’s just stupid...”

Otabek gave a grunt in agreement as he rubs a hand tiredly over his eyes. “We’ll see each other eventually. Don’t forget that...”

Yuri stifles a yawn as he sighs deeply. “Not soon enough...”

The older skater doesn’t disagree as he shifts his laptop around a bit in order to lie down further. “How are you doing though?”

A few months prior their current call, the blonde had reluctantly let the other know that he was going through a fairly horrible depression. It wasn’t easy for Yuri to talk about it, but Otabek had been encouraging and as supportive as he could be about the issue.

Yuri bites his lip and mulls over his words for a moment. ‘ _I could tell him...but he’ll worry. Besides, I can handle it myself.’_ “I’m fine.”

Otabek looks skeptical for a moment before his features soften. “How’s your motivation?”

‘ _Ah, that’s right..._ ’ The main reason that Yuri had told his boyfriend of his issues was because he had lost motivation for almost everything he enjoyed - especially skating. “It’s...better.” ‘ _Sorta..._ ’

His boyfriend seemed to be pleased with his answer and Yuri gave a sigh of relief. ' _The last thing he needs to know is that I've been irresponsible. I didn't expect it to be this way, it just...is...'_

"-Yuri." Otabek's voice cut through his thoughts and brought him back to the present moment.

' _Shit...'_ "What were you saying?"

"Just that I'm proud of you. I know it hasn't been easy, but I appreciate you telling me what's been going on." He gazes into Yuri's ocean-green eyes with a sincere look, "you mean the world to me, Yura."

The words both make Yuri's cheeks heat up and his chest ache with guilt. "D-Da...of course..." ' _He can't know. Only Viktor knows, and that was a pure accident...'_

The Russian's mind briefly flickers back to a few months ago. It was a simple mistake on his end, he would say. When changing, Viktor had walked in and seen the damage that the blonde had inflicted on his arms and immediately questioned him about it. It was obvious that the platinum-haired man would know what it was, after all, Yuri had seen the faded pale scars that covered the older skater's thighs at one point or another.

After practically begging him, Viktor had reluctantly agreed not to tell anyone - but only after making Yuri swear he would come to him if he ever felt like doing it again.

He yawns softly, which causes Otabek to yawn as well. "As much as I don't want to, I should go. It's getting late...or early, depending on how you want to look at it."

The blonde cracks a little smile at this and nods. "Fine...but you better text me in the morning."

Otabek laughs, "Alright," he sighs as he spends a few seconds just admiring Yuri, "I love you."

Yuri feels his cheeks heat up once again as his heart swells. "I love you too, Beka..." And just as soon as the call started, it came to an end and Yuri's room was filled with a cold silence.

The blonde closes his laptop and moves it to his nightstand, his chest now once again filled with the crushing emptiness that was there earlier. He pulls the covers up further to his chin while Potya purred softly by his feet.

' _If only he knew the truth...what would he think then...?'_


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, he got up and continued his same routine as everyday. The blonde filled his water bottle and packed his bag for practice.

To Otabek’s point, his motivation was doing better. Before it was as if he could stay in bed until he died. ‘ _I probably still could do that if I wanted to...’_ He thinks to himself as a scowl made its way into his face. ‘ _There’s also no doubt that the stupid pig and Viktor are going to get on my nerves...’_

The teen takes a moment to then look over his notifications on his phone and scroll through Instagram. There were a few posts from the other skaters - along with the likes and comments he got on his recent photos, but what made the scowl disappear from his face was a text from Otabek.

**[Beka]** : Hope you have a good practice today. Maybe we can talk again tonight? Depending on whether you’re free or not.

**[Yuri]** : Sounds great. Around 9:30 to 10ish?

He sets his phone down and finishes packing his bag until the device chimes again.

**[Beka]** : It’s a date.

The Russian smiles a little to himself as he shoves his phone in his jacket pocket and grabs his bag before focusing his mind on his current task. ‘ _Crap. Yakov will kill me if I’m late again...’_

Practice went just as he expected it to go.

Lilia was constantly correcting every one of his movements with the occasional input from Yakov, while Mila would apparently tease him every opportunity she was given. Sure it was repetitive, but almost comforting in a way.

‘ _Besides, the last thing I need is for Viktor to show up with Katsudon...’_ He thinks to himself momentarily while stopping to grab some water.

Recently, Viktor and Yuuri were staying in Russia - though they had strange practice hours. He would never admit it out loud, the teen actually enjoyed their company sometimes. It made him feel...less alone. But after Viktor had found out his secret, their relationship had definitely become more strained than it previously was. And while Yuuri sensed the tension between them, he hadn’t said anything about it (at least not to Yuri).

‘ _Probably did tell on me, knowing him..._ ’ Yuri thinks bitterly to himself as Yakov begins to yell at him to get back to work.

‘ _It honestly wouldn’t make a difference...they wouldn’t be able to change the way my mind works...’_

In what felt like a blink of an eye, practice was over and the teen was making his way to the locker room.

“Yuri!”

He freezes, muttering curses under his breath as he turns around. ‘ _Dammit...’_

Viktor stood a few feet behind him with Yuuri close behind. “It’s been a while!”

The teen grumbles a bit more as he crosses his arms over his chest. “I guess so...it doesn’t really matter though.”

Viktor ignores the blonde’s rudeness as usual and walks closer to him. “How have you been?” Yuri felt as if the older man’s words had a double meaning to them and it made his stomach twist in a knot.

“I’m fine.”

The knot in Yuri’s stomach grew as he saw a flicker of unknown emotion in the platinum-haired man’s eyes. Viktor seemed like he wanted to say something else, but refrained from it. “Wonderful! We’ll definitely have to catch up some time soon.”

The blonde scowls as his heart rate increased. ‘ _That’s the last thing I want..._ ’ “Whatever. I don’t care.” With that, he turned back around and continued on his way.  
  


Now Yuri wasn’t stupid; he knew just how hurtful his words could be. But yet...he still couldn’t just let people into his life, no, that would just be too much. It was difficult enough to let Otabek into his life at first, and of course they had their ups and downs, but if the Russian was honest he wouldn’t change anything.

‘ _Beka’s enough...I don’t need anyone else anyways..._ ’ Yuri made quick work of changing, but paused for a moment and glanced down at his arms. The left looked worse considering he was right-handed, but that didn’t stop him from doing damage to both arms. ‘ _Tch, stupid. I wish they’d heal already...’_

“You know, for someone who’s fine, you really don’t seem fine.”

The Russian almost jumps out of his skin as he reflexively pulls his arms to his chest for a second before bending down to grab his jacket. “Thought you were skating...”

Viktor hums as he almost cautiously steps further into the locker room, not wanting to set the teen off more than he already had. “I was going to, but I told Yuuri there was something I needed to take care of.”

Yuri just scowls and rolls his eyes, “I don’t need your help, old man.”

“But you do.” Viktor says softly, “you just don’t want to admit it.”

Yuri tenses up, taking an unsteady breath before speaking again. “Fuck you.”

Hurt flashes in Viktor’s light blue eyes, “Yura, I know what you’re going through, believe me.” He throws all caution away and walks over to the teen until he was standing directly in front of him, “you’ve seen me at my worst, you know what I’ve gone through,” He places a hand on Yuri’s shoulder, “I don’t want you suffering the same way.”

The blonde bites his lip and quickly pushes the man’s hand away. He knew that if he dwelled on the emotions that were slowly consuming him for too long they would start to show. ‘ _I have to get out of here...’_

“I’m not “suffering”, I’m fine. Just leave me alone!” Yuri struggles to figure out the way his jacket went, trying to pull it on without Viktor trying to stop him.

The older man was silent for a moment, not making any moves to stop him as he simply watched. “Have you done it since we last talked?”

The blonde shook his head in response, knowing at least if he wasn’t honest then Viktor would want to check.

“Okay.” The skater says softly, still looking defeated though. “I’m not here to fight you, Yura. I want to help.”

The nickname only made him feel worse as he shoved his remaining things into his bag and quickly headed for the door. “I wasn’t asking for it.”


	3. Chapter 3

“You ever think...that maybe everything we do...won’t matter...?” Yuri asks slowly while drifting in and out of consciousness. He and Otabek had been on a call for a few hours now, and though it had started off light and full of simple conversation, they had both gotten to the point where they were tired enough that anything and everything was being said.

Otabek frowns and moves a little so he’d be closer to the screen. “What do you mean?”

“I-” He sighs softly and hugs his pillow tighter, “what if we get injured? What if...we’re not good enough?” ‘ _What if I’m not good enough...’_

The older of the two remains silent for a moment before speaking softly, now more awake than he previously was. “Yuri, nothing is forever.” The blonde visibly tenses and Otabek realizes that maybe his choice of words wasn’t the best.

“What I mean is,” Another pause, “life is constantly changing. Knowing who you are though, I wouldn’t worry about that.” The dark-haired teen’s eyes soften as he gazes at his lover, “you’re phenomenal, Yura. I mean that not just as your boyfriend, but also as a rival. Even without skating, you have so much that’s possible for you.”

Yuri just stares at him blankly, seeming momentarily unable to comprehend his words. “Beka...”

Otabek’s cheeks slowly turned red out of embarrassment as he glances away and clears his throat. “Too much...?”

The blonde stays quiet for a few more seconds before bursting out into laughter, his own cheeks turning a shade of pink. “Maybe just a little...”

Grumbling softly, Otabek buries his face into his hand and becomes impossibly more embarrassed.

“It’s not a bad thing though.” Yuri flashes him a rare smile as he tucks a few strands of hair behind his ear, “thanks...”

The other skater drags his hand down his face, though a small smile plays at the corners of his lips. “Hm...”

Yuri’s smile soon disappears almost as fast it had appeared, unease settling back in quickly. ‘ _I’m fine. I don’t need to tell him._ ’

“You’re so beautiful when you smile, Yura.” Otabek sighs and hides a yawn behind his hand. “I wish I could see it more...”

Yuri pauses and frowns a little as his eyebrows furrow curiously. “What do you mean?”

The older teen shrugs tiredly, “something just seems to be bothering you more than usual...” it was Otabek’s way of saying he was worried without verbalizing it, and it made a pang of anxiety spark in the blonde’s chest.

The atmosphere immediately shifted back to the deep level, and Yuri was tempted to try to bring it back up again. “I...” His voice trails off and becomes small as he bites his lip. ‘ _I’m a freak...I’m not good enough and he’ll know...I’m fine. I really am.’_

“Yuri?”

“I-I...can’t...” He stutters out, turning his body almost completely away from the camera as his emotions began to rise up again.

Otabek’s worry only seemed to grow as he sits up, alarmed by the younger’s reaction. “Hey...breathe for me, it’s alright...”

Yuri takes a shuttering breath as he plays with his sleeves, more angry at himself than anything. “Sorry just-..shit..”

The older skater says nothing and simply lets him have the moment to calm down as best he could.

“It...hasn’t been easy. My mind is stupid and keeps telling me stupid things...but maybe they are true...? He glances back at the screen with a level of vulnerability that would have startled Otabek if he hadn’t seen it before.

“What kind of things is your mind telling you, Yura?”

“You’d freak out if I told you...” The blonde laughs coldly as he digs his nails into his wrist somewhat absentmindedly while trying to ground himself.

“Try me.” Beka’s dark eyes were serious, leaving no room for debate.

Taking a deep breath, Yuri nods a little before rearranging himself on the bed to be more comfortable. ‘ _Just don’t tell him all of it...besides, it’s my fault I’m this way...’_ “I don’t know...” He mumbles softly once he’s finally able to escape his thoughts, “I’m just...not good enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough, actually.”

The older frowns more as Yuri continues.

“I sometimes wonder if I’m even cut out for all this...” He runs a hand through his hair roughly, pulling on the golden strands in the process, “but then I remember everyone who’s counting on me...”

His arms feel like they’re burning under his jacket and he slides a hand up the sleeve to scratch at the still healing marks, no doubt breaking a few remaining scabs open.

The Kazakh man was almost tempted to try and give Yuri another pep talk, but he knew that was probably the last thing his boyfriend needed. Plus, there was a low chance of it actually getting through to the Russian at this state.

“Have you talked to someone about this?”

“Viktor knows.” The words are spit out with a venom Otabek didn’t quite understand, but he didn’t press any further as he nods. “Maybe talk about it with him then?”

While he had good intention, he seemed to be taken the wrong way as Yuri’s viridian eyes narrow with a flash of anger and hurt.

“So you’re just pushing me onto someone else?”

Otabek’s own eyes widen as soon as he realized how dismissive he had sounded. “Yura I didn’t mean-“

“No. It’s fine.” It clearly isn’t, and the cold tone makes the dark-haired man feel even more guilty. “Look, I got to go. Stuff to do tomorrow.” Yuri doesn’t even let his boyfriend have a chance to respond before he quickly ends the call and digs the heels of his palms into his eyes.

‘ _Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. Crying is weak. You aren’t weak.’_ In the back of his mind, the blonde knows that Otabek had good intentions. He _knows_ what he was trying to tell him. He had just been feeling so shitty lately that the mere thought of his lover not caring sent him into...whatever this was.

His breathing is erratic as he quickly strips off his jacket to stare down at his arms.

The feeling.

It had felt amazing the last time he did it, but he had gotten so caught up in the feeling that he overdid it.

‘ _I can’t do it again...not until these are healed at least...’_ Viktor would check. He would know. Know that maybe the teen wasn’t as okay as he claimed to be. ‘ _Fuck, and Otabek probably hates me now..._ ’

Just when his thoughts are drifting back to Otabek, they seem to take a turn and land back on Viktor’s words. ** _“You’ve seen me at my worst, you know what I’ve gone through, I don’t want you suffering the same way.”_**

“Tch...” ‘ _Stupid Viktor...assuming he knows what I feel like...’_ Anger rises up in his chest along with the tears building up in his eyes, ‘he doesn’t know anything. None of them do.’ Yuri collapses back on his bed and buries his face into his pillow. ‘ _I may have seen him wanting to die and doing the same things I am, but that doesn’t mean anything.’_

‘ _I’m nothing like that...’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is kinda all over the place at the moment, but I have big plans for it! I’m excited to see how it all comes together!


	4. Chapter 4

“Yurio~!”

“Shh, Viktor! He might still be sleeping!”

The blonde groans and buries himself further into his covers. He had a restless nights sleep, and while he didn’t have to wake up as early as he usually did in season, that didn’t mean he could sleep the day away.

He gave up on trying to sleep further when he heard his door open. There was a small “meow” followed by a weight on his bed letting him know Potya had come in.

“Yuri?”

He grunts in response, not even bothering to open his eyes. “How’d you even get in here...?”

“Lilia let us in. Though I didn’t expect you to still be asleep.” The black-haired males voice held a slightly apologetic tone to it as Yuri finally forces himself to open his eyes.

“Whatever...” Yuri mutters while keeping arms securely under the comforter.

The two awkwardly look at each other for a moment until Viktor thankfully poked his head in the room. “Ah, you’re awake! Get dressed, let’s go get some breakfast!”

The blonde scoffs, but still makes a move to sit up. “What’d Yakov say?” It’s not like he actually cared all that much, he just really didn’t like the thought of spending more time with Viktor than he had to.

“He wasn’t too pleased with the idea, but he said as long as we have you back here in time it should be fine.” Viktor takes a step further into the room, “besides, he thought it would be a good idea for you to get out.”

Yuri has half the mind to refuse and kick them out, but ends up just giving in. “Fine...”

Yuuri’s face seems to light up as Viktor looks almost shocked. “Really?”

“Yes really.” He mutters, “just...at least give me a moment to get dressed.”

Yuuri nods and ushers Viktor out of the room to give the teen some space.

The blonde huffs as his shoulders slump. ‘ _Guess I really am doing this..._ ’ He forced himself to slide out of bed and made quick work of changing into his clothes - grabbing his jacket and backpack along the way.

His mind was screaming at him to get back in bed, but he pushed the thoughts aside as he made his way towards the front.

“Where are you taking me? Or are you just going to waste my time.”

Viktor simply hums, unfazed. “How about that cafe near the rink? You seemed to enjoy it last time.”

The blonde grunts with a shrug. “I guess...”

“Great! Let’s go!”

The drive to the cafe was quiet. Nice if Yuri was willing to admit it. What snapped him out of staring out the window of the car, however, was his phone buzzing.

**[Beka]** : Sorry about last night. I’m just worried about you.

The text only made him feel worse. ‘ _Great. Now you’re worrying him even more. Get your head straight and stop worrying about stupid things. Just train harder, stop feeling everything..._ ’ The Russian teen shoves his phone back into his pocket, not wanting to deal with this at the moment.

“We’re here!” Yuuri says a few seconds later as they pull into the parking lot.

The blonde says nothing as he hops out of the car and heads into the small cafe with Viktor and Yuuri.

The three ordered, and were soon sitting at a table together somewhat awkwardly.

“So...” Yuuri was trying to break the unsaid silence, “do you have any idea what you’ll do for your program?”

“Eh...” The teen shrugs some, “kinda I guess...I’m not really focusing on that at the moment.”

“Lilia has been working you quite hard, hasn’t she?”

Yuri shrugs again as he takes a sip of his drink. “I guess...it’s not that different from normal though.”

“You should take breaks more often! It’s good for you, Yurio!” Viktor chimes in.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He rolls his eyes and glances out the window, wishing he could get away from where the conversation was leading.

The silver-haired man hums and continues, “you’ve been overworking yourself. I’m surprised your legs haven’t fallen off yet.”

Yurio scowls while Yuuri cuts in, “it is impressive though.”

The three continue to lightly chat, Yuri soon lightening up some and even laughing a bit. It was nice, momentarily forgetting his worries and the weight pressing into his shoulders.

They eventually decided to simply walk to the rink since it was nice enough out...and that’s when his negative feelings started swirling up again.

‘ _Here they are going out of their way to try and connect with you. They’re spending their money and time just for you to treat them like shit and push them aside. You don’t deserve their sympathy or compassion.’_

The blonde swallows hard and tries to once again push his emotions down, but some part of him knew that deep down this would all boil over soon...and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty...


	5. Chapter 5

Today sucked.

Luckily Yuri was able to make up with Otabek, but he had been so distracted by that all day that he kept missing the simplest of jumps.

He was so distracted that even Mila asked him about it - which he proceeded to yell at her. Of course he felt bad afterwards, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Practice was now over, and the teen was hauled up in the bathroom with tears running nonstop down his cheeks. ‘ _Dammit...dammit!_ ’ He roughly wipes at his eyes while a choked sob left him, ‘ _weak...pathetic...! You’re better than this! Don’t be weak! You can’t be weak!’_

Yuri’s fingers wrap painfully into his hair, giving a harsh tug as he slid down to the floor against the wall. ‘ _Fucking loser...I don’t deserve anything...I’m not good enough...I couldn’t be good enough!_ ’

He was thinking impulsively, but the day had just been so much of a disaster that it had finally pushed him over the edge. The teen released his hair from him vice-like grip and yanked his bag closer, frantically digging through for his phone.

When he found the device, the blonde didn’t really know or care what he was doing as he shakily pressed on the first contact that came up.

It was on the fourth ring that he got an answer. “Yuri? This is a surprise!”

“V-Viktor...” ‘ _Shit. Of course it’s him..._ ’

The teen took another shaky breath which ended up turning into a sob and he could practically feel Viktor’s frown from the other side of the phone.

“Yura?”

“I-I need you...I don’t know what I-‘ll do and- just...get here!” He ends the call and throws his phone across the bathroom, uncaring if the screen cracked.

That’s when it hit him.

‘ _Fuck what did I do?! Viktor of all people?!_ ’ He angrily brought his fist down against his thigh hard enough to bruise. The blonde winces a bit at the sting, but does it two more times just for good measure.

He lets out another choked sob and buries his face in his knees. His nails dig painfully into his skin, but he doesn’t care. Time passes and the teen isn’t sure how long he’s been sitting there by the time Viktor eventually finds him. The bathroom door opens and he glances up, immediately wishing he hadn’t. The amount of sympathy in Viktor’s eyes made him sick all over again as Yuri tries his best to glare are the man.

It must’ve made him look more pathetic because Viktor gingerly made his way into the bathroom, acting like any sudden movements he made would shatter the teen.

“F-Fuck stop looking at me l-like that...” Yuri digs his nails in a bit more at the shakiness in his voice, silently cursing himself.

“Oh Yura...” The silver hair man sits down next to him but leaves enough room so Yuri wouldn’t feel trapped. His eyes dart to his fingers and he sighs sadly. “Can I touch you?”

The teen simply shrugs.

“Yuri...”

“Yes okay?! Whatever...!”

Viktor carefully reaches out and pulls his hands away from his legs, frowning more at the marks that were left behind. He gently pulls the younger against his chest and surprisingly Yuri didn’t fight him.

Yuri hated the fact that he was shaking. He tries to focus on Viktor’s heartbeat - which seemed like the only calming thing in the room at the moment.

“That’s it...” Viktor said softly, “deep breaths...you’re okay...” Apparently he had started breathing correctly without realizing it, but he wasn’t going about to complain.

Yuri finally relaxes, leaning all of his body weight onto the older skater. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Viktor was always a comfort to him. His scent was familiar and calming, not overbearing.

The two sat there for who knows how long until the blonde eventually pulled away. He wipes at his eyes and sniffles a bit, but is otherwise calm.

The silver-haired man smiles gently at him, now looking more relieved. “I’m glad to see you’re doing better...”

“As if...” He didn’t feel any better. He only had stopped crying.

“Let’s go sit on the couch, we can talk there. Besides, it’ll be more comfortable.” Viktor speaks as he stands, offering a hand to pull the younger up.

Normally Yuri would fight it, but he was too exhausted mentally and physically to do anything other than take the hand and allow himself to be led into Lilia’s living room. It takes a bit longer because the two stopped to grab some snacks from the kitchen - which Yuri protested about but Viktor assured him breaking his diet was good every once in a while.

They sat in a strange silence as they munched on some chips. Yuri was the first to break the silence after he swallowed his bite. “Where’s Pork Cutlet?” The last thing he needed was for that idiot to be in his business.

“At home. I told him I had some errands to run.” Viktor noticed the younger’s slightly shocked expression and smiles. “You didn’t think I could keep a secret, did you?”

Yuri rolls his eyes half heartedly, “you haven’t exactly been reliable in that area...”

“Fair point...” The silver-haired man chuckles warmly as he pulls his legs up on the couch. His expression then turns more serious, “we do have to talk about what happened though...”

The teen groans and slumps further down while shoving more chips into his mouth to avoid having to talk.

Sighing, Viktor looks away while clearly mulling over something. “I’m just worried about you. I know it really isn’t my business but...” he takes a shaky breath, “I’m just afraid that you’ll end up how I was.”

Yuri pauses, hesitating for a moment while staring intensely at his chip bag. “I know what you were like then, but...what exactly happened?”


	6. Chapter 6

  
Viktor looked torn.

He was quiet for a moment while he weighed his choices. Eventually, he just sighed and turned to the curious teen. “Being a skater is wonderful, but you would know all the struggles that come with it.”

Yuri hums softly. He knew about the stresses and body image issues that came along with skating. Luckily he had never had problems with the latter, but he knew those who had developed serious eating disorders in attempt to reach perfection.

The silver-haired man was picking at his nails nervously as he continued, “everyone knew me. Everyone was expecting me to continually surprise them no matter what...” He was talking slow, but the blonde didn’t pressure him. He knew the topic was difficult for Viktor, he just didn’t know it was _this_ bad.

“It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy what I was doing...I just...I couldn’t keep surprising everyone. My motivation was fading.”

The blonde bites his lip. He knew that feeling all too well.

Viktor sighs again as his shoulders slump. “I was numb. Nothing was bringing me joy anymore, so I took it out on myself.” His hands shake some as he slowly pulls up the sleeve of his sweater, revealing the thin white lines that crossed over his arm. To anyone taking a glance they wouldn’t be all that noticeable, but the silver-haired man was all too aware of their presence.

Yuri tried not to stare, but he couldn’t help it. Absentmindedly his freehand drifted to his own forearm, fingers gripping the sleeve of his jacket. “How long have you been...y’know...” his words tripped over themselves as he tried to get his thoughts straight.

“Clean?” Viktor finishes curiously for him.

The teen nods as he brings another chip to his mouth.

The older of the two smiles, now looking more proud. “Almost four years.”

“Just before you met Katsuki...” Yuri mumbles softly as he moves further back into the couch.

Viktor nods, but then his smile falls some. “I wish it had been an easy road though. I...do you remember that time when I was off for a while? When Yakov was really worried?”

The blonde’s eyebrows furrow in thought as he tries to recall. “You had sprained something, right?”

Viktor chuckles humorlessly, “Part of me wishes that were the case.” He looks down to his legs and drums a finger against his thigh. “Yakov had noticed I was drifting away...he forced me to take some time to myself to get everything straightened out.” Yuri didn’t point it out, but he was almost certain he could see tears brimming in the Viktor’s sapphire eyes.

“I wanted to kill myself, Yura...” The man chokes out so quietly the teen wasn’t sure if he had heard him correctly.

‘ _A world without Viktor..._ ’ The thought alone was horrifying. Sure, he was irritating from time to time, but Yuri couldn’t imagine life without him. The younger continued to stare at him, unsure of how to even respond.

“That’s why...” He took a shaky breath, trying to pull his emotions back, “I can’t let the same happen to you...”

Yuri swallows the lump that had unknowingly formed in his throat as he bit his lip, ‘ _how do I even respond to that? Viktor’s spilling his secrets while I’m just a jerk.’_

“I know you’re under kinds of stress I could never imagine, but you’re not alone anymore. You’ve got me, Yuuri, Yakov, Lilia, your grandpa, and...Otabek, right?”

Yuri’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink at the mention of his boyfriend. While their relationship was still a secret, he knew he couldn’t keep it from Viktor forever.

‘ _He does have a point though...maybe...they do care? I mean- of course they do...but...’_ The blonde frowns and turns away for a moment. “Viktor...I-”

‘ _No.’_

The words catch in his throat as his thoughts quickly take a negative turn.

‘ _He’s lying. He’s jut going to leave you. Like before. Like your parents did. You’ll stay alone. You’ve always been alone. I bet Otabek will leave you too. They’ll all see just how horrible of a person you are and have been. They don’t want to help you. They just want to see how much of a mess you’ve gotten yourself into. Deal with it alone...’_

‘ _You’re better off alone.’_

“Yura?” Viktor looked worried once again and Yuri could feel the familiar feeling of irritation beginning to bubble up.

‘ _You’re. Better. Off. Alone.’_ The younger skater briskly turns back to the older as his usual hardened glare sets back into place. Once again, his walls were now back up as if they had never fallen in the first place. “I get that you’re still worried and everything, but this is my fight. I’ll be _fine_.”

It was painfully obvious that that had been the wrong thing to say. The silver-haired man stared at him blankly as if trying to process that once again, he had been pushed away. Something then flashed in his eyes, and Yuri couldn’t tell if it was anger, fear, or sadness - perhaps a mixture of it all.

“You’re _kidding_ me, right? Are we just going to go back and fourth until something bad really happens to you?! You’re clearly not fine! I don’t want to hear that after you call me crying hysterically saying that you’re a danger to yourself!”

The smaller of the two tightens his grip on his arm, his heartbeat speeding up as Viktor’s tone rose.

“You’re _impossibly_ stubborn, Yuri. But you already know that...”

“And you’re just persistent over nothing.” The teen bites back, glaring more.

“Because I’m _worried_ about you! You’re young and impulsive and it’ll only get worse and worse!”

Yuri practically snarls as he bolts to his feet. “I can take care of myself!”

“Clearly not if you’re going to act like a child and run away from everything!”

Oh no. ‘ _I’m not going to cry...I’m right. He’s not._ ’ The feeling of tears that he was slowly becoming accustomed to was creeping up on him while his throat tightened again. The breath he took shuttered as he shook his head while backing up from the couch. “Fuck you. _Fuck you!_ This was a stupid idea!” Without another word, he ran off to the bathroom to grab his forgotten bag before heading out of the house with a harsh slam of the door.

Viktor has tried to stop him, but in the end he figured it was probably better to let the teen cool down...it was better...right? ‘ _Unless he ends up hurting himself more...’_ The older skater leans against the door, tears now brimming in his own eyes. ‘ _What have I done?’_


	7. Chapter 7

_‘Stupid. I can’t believe I almost told him everything...’_ The teen was currently leaning against the wall in an alleyway, taking a moment to breathe after having essentially sprinted the whole way from Lilia’s house.

_‘He can’t keep secrets. He would have definitely told Yakov...’_ Yuri allows himself to slide down the wall and pull his bag closer. ‘ _What does he know anyways. He’s never had to look out for himself, someone’s always been there for him!_ ’ He aggressively digs through his bag until he manages to find what he was after.

Dirty secrets.

Yeah, he had too many.

He frowns at the somewhat crushed box, but regardless, he pulls out one of the remaining cigarettes and slips it in between his lips. Yuri fishes his lighter out of the bag seconds later and lights it, inhaling deeply while feeling most of his stress melt away.

It was another disgusting habit he had picked up, but it was what he went to whenever his arms weren’t the best option. It didn’t matter anyways. After all, he could stop whenever he wanted...

The buzzing of his phone snapped the blonde out of his haze as he looked down to the device.

**[Viktor]:** You probably don’t want to hear from me, but I’m sorry I upset you. Please come back soon, it’s getting late.

“Whatever...” He mumbles softly as he takes another drag. Viktor did have a point though; it was getting late. ‘ _I need time to get back and shower before Lila gets back..._ ’ He keeps staring at his phone though as he pulls up Otabek’s number.

He was just about to give up before the dark-haired man answered on the other side. “Hey.”

“Hey.” The blonde clears his throat before he continued, “you busy?”

“Not really. I’m DJ-ing later tonight though.”

Yuri hums softly as his mind briefly flashes back to their GPF performance. ‘ _Sometimes I cant believe that was already 3 years ago..._ ’ “You should take me to a club sometime. You still have to make up last time to me.”

Yuri could practically see Otabek’s frown and it made him smile a bit around his cigarette. “Yura, you know the rules...”

The blonde groans and rolls his eyes. “You can’t exactly say ‘no’ now. I’m 18, and you were 18 when you went to that club in Barcelona.”

Otabek sighs and the blonde laughs softly. “Besides, I’ll probably just sneak in if you say no.”

“It depends on when I see you again. We’ll talk then.”

“You’re no fun.” He takes another drag before flicking ash off the end of the stick, “y’know, I thought Viktor almost had figured us out a little while ago.”

“What’d he say?”

“Nothing really about us, but I was just surprised he had mentioned you to me.” ‘ _It’s weird to think we’ve only been together two months...it feels like forever..._ ’

The older skater hums softly as Yuri glances to the sky, sighing when he noticed the sky was practically pitch black. “I should probably head back home.”

Otabek’s eyebrows furrow in slight confusion. “Where are you now?”

“By a store.” While it wasn’t really a lie, the teen didn’t have the slightest idea of how far he had walked. “Viktor and I got into a fight earlier. It wasn’t much, but I left.” Yuri takes a final drag from his cigarette before snubbing it out against the ground.

“Alright. Just text me when you get back so I know you’re safe.”

“Fine fine. You're always so paranoid.” Yuri’s voice held a teasing tone as he grabs his bag and slings it over his shoulder.

“Just looking out for you. You’d do the same for me.”

“You know I would. Good luck tonight.”

Otabek hums happily with a nod. “Thanks.”

They said their goodbyes as Yuri headed back to the house, unknowing of the storm that was waiting for him.

‘ _Maybe it won’t be so bad...maybe Viktor will lighten up and see I’m fine. He’ll know he overreacted...’_

Right as he unlocked the front door however, he was swarmed by a worried Viktor and an angry Lilia.

“Yuri where have you been?! I’ve been texting you since you left I was so worried!”

“This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable! You know better than this!”

The teen stood frozen in shock, viridian eyes darting around the room and somewhat acknowledging Yuuri standing over by the couch.

“I-I didn’t see the texts-”

“Pay more attention then!” Viktor grips the bridge of his nose and takes a breath, struggling to calm down.

While Viktor appeared to be on the verge of crying - or had already been - Lila looked absolutely furious.

“You’re an adult now. I expect you to act like one. You’ll destroy your career if you keep this up.”

‘ _You won’t succeed._ ’

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you need to straighten up. The way you act affects others, and if you keep this up, you’re going to lose it all-” Lilia continued her lecture, but somewhere in the middle Yuri began to block her out.

‘ _What do you know. I’m mature, I can handle more than you ever have. Who cares if I lose some friends...they didn’t really care then..._ ’ He bites his lip, and in that moment realizes Lila had gone silent.

Yuri slowly returns to his body, and that’s when he processes it.

Tears...

He’s _crying_.

Lilia’s looking at him in shock (and slight...guilt, was it?) As he reaches up and touches his cheek.

“Yuri...”

He doesn’t even know who called his name as he pushes past them, chest heaving as he runs into his room and slams the door.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” He’s panicking, yanking at his hair as he chokes on a sob.

“Useless! Useless! Wh-” ‘ _why am I crying?! Fuck I really am pathetic!_ ’

He maneuvers through the clothes on his floor and almost yanks the drawer out when he reaches his nightstand. The teen digs through until he finds what he had been searching for: a broken razor blade.

He haphazardly yanks his jacket off and throws it somewhere into the clothes on the floor before digging the blade into his forearm as hard as he could. “Shit!” Yuri chokes on a sob when the pain hits, quickly pulling the blade away and throwing it somewhere on the bed.

It was too late though. The deed had been done.

Blood was quick to pool out of the wound, and Yuri shakily searches for the tissue box that had fallen earlier before the blood dripped onto the floor.

He presses a wad of tissues against the wound with a small whimper while sinking to his knees. ‘ _Pathetic..._ ’

Time sluggishly passed, and the blonde wasn’t aware how long he had been on the floor when his mind finally came out of the haze it had been consumed in.

‘ _I can’t stay here...not with them. It’s all too much. Fuck it all.._ ’ He has stopped crying a bit ago, but his thoughts were still ever so prominent. ‘ _I don’t know what to do anymore...Otabek’s the only one who gets me...but..._ ’

He pauses for a second. ‘ _Otabek._ ’

The blonde carefully pulls his hand away from the pile of tissues once he was sure it wouldn’t fall off his arm and reaches for his phone. ‘ _Kazakhstan...I-I could go see him...! After all, what’s stopping me?!_ ’

Yuri clearly wasn’t thinking rationally, but that didn’t keep him from looking up flights. ‘ _Tomorrow morning. Early, basically in a few hours but I could make it._ ’ Wiping at his eyes and sniffling a bit, Yuri books a ticket for the fight without a second thought.

The viridian-eyed male wastes no time. He carefully bandages his arm and goes to work shoving various outfits into his suitcase that he pulled from the closet. Once he’s sure no one is in the hallway, he sneaks into the bathroom and packs up his toiletries. His mind is going 100 miles per hours, but there’s no way he’s stopping now.

Everything was a blur, and before he knew it, Yuri had successfully snuck out of the house and was currently hauled up in the airport. Any thoughts that had been second-guessing his decision were gone.

He was really going to do this.

Pulling out his phone, the blonde quickly dialed Otabek’s number. He wasn’t surprised, however, when it went to voicemail.

“Hey Beka. Look this might sound stupid...but...”  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Otabek was exhausted.

While he enjoyed doing what he did and going to different clubs, it was always hard with the ungodly hours. He had gotten back to his apartment a little over an hour and a half ago and was sleeping like a rock.

By the time he came to again, it was around 10 in the morning. The Kazakh man was tempted to go back to sleep, but he decided against it as he reaches for his phone on his nightstand.

Nothing new. He groggily scrolls through Instagram, liking one of JJ’s photos in the process. As his mind was waking up, a thought occurred to him: Yuri never texted him if he got back safely last night.

He sighs, running a hand through his black hair as he sits up. ‘ _He probably forgot. Something was bothering him...’_ He checks his messages, only to see nothing was new. However, what did surprise him was a notification for a voicemail.

‘ _Yuri?_ ’ Slightly surprised, the skater brings his phone up to his ear.

“Hey Beka. Look this might sound stupid...but I’m on my way to Almaty. Surprise I guess? I’ll be landing around 6 your time, so maybe you could pick me up? I-I know this is sudden...but...” it almost sounded like he was going to cry for a moment, “I just needed to go. I know this probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I can explain more when I see you. Sorry...I guess I’ll see you in a while?”

With that, the message ended.

Otabek just stared at his phone in shock as he quickly became more awake. He listens to the message twice over again just to make sure he was hearing everything correctly.

Yuri. Here. Yuri was coming here.

A mixture of panic and excitement arose in his chest as he quickly pushes himself out of bed. The skater took a breath and glances around his room, frowning softly. ‘ _I need to clean...probably take a shower too..._ ’

He gets to work, only pausing to take a break for breakfast. As he ate, his mind drifted back to the message. While he was excited, Otabek couldn’t deny that he was worried about Yuri. ‘ _He and Viktor had a fight, but that shouldn’t make him do something like this. Yuri’s always been somewhat impulsive, but this is something else. He sounded like he was gonna cry...’_ the skater sighs before taking a sip of water, ‘ _not to mention how angry his coach will be if he just left. We’re definitely going to have to talk through things when he gets here...’_

The dark-eyed man soon finishes eating and clears his dishes. ‘ _I can probably drag Yuri along to go shopping if we need to...’_ He pulls himself out of his thoughts and gets back to work.

Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea...

Yuri was trying to relax, but his heart was pounding so loud in his ears. ‘ _Dammit. What if he doesn’t want me? He’s probably pissed that I’m just showing up...’_ He shifts in his seat, deciding to aimlessly scroll through old photos on his phone as a distraction.

‘ _Did I forget anything?’_ In his rush to get out, everything felt like a blur. ‘ _No, I don’t think I did...’_ Normally the teen would leave Potya with someone or take her with him, however, he knew that Lilia had taken a liking to the cat and would make sure to look after her. Still, that didn’t stop the guilt from sinking in. He did take some time to say goodbye to her before leaving, but he still felt terrible. ‘ _Am I a shitty owner? I should have brought her...maybe at least text Lilia to look after her once she decides to yell at me for leaving...’_

The blonde pulls his hood up while blinking back a few tears that had sprung to his eyes. ‘ _I really don’t deserve her...fuck why am I so emotional?’_ He takes a shaky breath and tries to readjust his legs, wincing as he put pressure on his arm in the process.

‘ _Imagine if I needed stitches...wouldn’t that be hilarious.’_ He hadn’t checked on his arm since he bandaged it, but it had started bleeding again when he ripped the tissues off. ‘ _It’s gonna scar too...wonderful...’_

Yuri pulls his legs up on the chair and curls in on himself, trying to see if he could sleep for at least a little bit before he landed.

‘ _Shit, I have no idea where he’s landing...’_ Otabek’s mind was still running all over the place as he got out of the shower and scrubbed his hair with a towel. ‘ _I’ll send him a text..._ ’ Glancing at his phone, his breath hitches as he realizes it was a little past 5. He quickly types out a text to Yuri before going to get dressed.

He couldn’t breathe. It seemed like forever since they had seen each other, and now he was so close to seeing Otabek again. ‘ _What if things are awkward? What if...we don’t actually work out?’_ His thoughts were swarming as he plays with the zipper of his jacket. As the teen became swarmed into his thoughts again, the flight ended sooner than he thought it would.

The landing was smooth, but Yuri couldn’t have told you how the following events went as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and grabbed his suitcase. He felt as if he was going to pass out once he was in the airport and took a moment to take in his surroundings. Pulling out his phone, Yuri realizes he never took the device off of airplane mode. His heart nearly stopped again when he saw the message awaiting him. ‘ _Beka texted me...’_ With shaky fingers he texts him back the location of where he was.

‘ _It’s fine it’s all gonna be fine. It’s not a big deal, he’s not gonna be mad or anything...he cares about me it’ll be fine...’_ Yuri tries to walk at a calm pace so he didn’t look too frantic, but he stops almost immediately when his phone buzzes with a conformation from Beka. ‘ _Holy shit...’_

Yuri continues on his way until he’s met with the brisk air outside which helps clear his head some. ‘ _He didn’t seem mad when he texted back, so it’s fine. It’ll be okay. I’m just overreacting. It’s gonna be oka-’_

He’s there.

It’s him.

In the flesh.

Otabek seems to have noticed him as well and they stare at each other for a good few seconds.

“Beka...”

His mind wants to hesitate but his body doesn’t let him. He runs, throwing his arms around Otabek and burying his face in his chest. Otabek holds him close, his grip slowly tightening as if to see if he was actually real. They simply stayed like that for a moment as if still surprised that this was actually happening.

Yuri eventually slowly pulls away, gazing up into Otabek’s dark eyes. “Hi...”

Otabek smiles in return, gently brushing some of the blonde’s hair out of his viridian eyes. “Hi.”


End file.
